(All photos credit: X)
"Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You’re gonna love it!"
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer."
"I say more dumb things before 9 AM than most people say all day."
"I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!"
"It’s like all my life everyone has always told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ What if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse, you know, or a hat?"
"Isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
"You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at?"